I realised that I shouldn't had done so yesterday...no matter what...

because it hurts myself and others too. I tried thinking it through last night... but I somehow conclude that I've no choice. No choice to control how I feel. I did all I could already, like excusing myself away when I know that I can't take them anymore... 

But how do I explain myself for all these?

Went off venting silently again. Doesn't matter much, but I didn't expect one to find me out in that place. Like someone trample into your own world...Panicked that the door just opened but I just smiled and I thought I was EVEN friendly. Lights were off because I wanna sleep, targets were there because I want training, outside were too hot and noisy so I went in. RUBBISHEST. But...convincing enough:/

Look, my ability to put on a front is... speechless

ok, so she left soon and i continue what I was doing, but i were more on training purpose this time round, till my hand accidentally knocked into the metal trolley. Aliah came in while I applied medicine, then more ppl whom i liked entered clubroom. End of story.

Felt so much better then I went off to meet my MT gang. was quite fun anyway ((:

ohh, sucks when parents went oversea and no-one to control my diet. In like 3 days parents left...i skipped 3 breakfasts, 2 lunches and 1 dinner. I'm spoiling my body in this way

took a personal test frm a clsmates blog..and i think its quite true to a certain extend. I tried it for 2 times, before I typed this blog and now that I typed this post up... but they somehow talk about e same thing. 

its damn accurate T.T

http://www.paulgoldinresearch.com/cg/

1st trail

****

You are longing for a little love and tenderness. At present you are feeling very sensitive and need a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. You don't need any further stresses, strains or arguments so take a deep breath and relax.

You are not be feeling so good at this time. Everything seems to be getting on top of you. What you need is a rest from all of the the present trials and tribulations in peaceful surroundings and with someone - male or female, it doesn't really matter - who can really understand you and appreciates your needs.

Everyone has to compromise at times and circumstances are such that at this time you are feeling the need to do just that. Put all of your hopes on the back burner and let matters flow for a time - forgo some of the things you want. The good times are just around the corner.

All of the stress and strains resulting from disappointment have led to agitation and anxiety. You have been going out of your way to make a good impression, but you have reservations as to the likelihood of succeeding. You feel that you have a right to accomplish all that you set your mind on but you have become helpless and distressed when circumstances have gone against you. The idea of failure is most upsetting and this can even mean utter dejection. You see yourself as a scapegoat and you feel everyone in your sphere of influence has tried to take undue advantage of you. You are trying to convince yourself that your failure to achieve standing and recognition is not of your making but indeed of those around you.

Sometimes one fears that its not worth formulating new ideas and projects because whatever you seem to have done in the past has never worked out and you are tired of, as they say, banging your head against a brick wall. No one seems to care. So now you are trying to get away from it all by withdrawing into a 'fantasy land' but unfortunately 'fantasy land' is just that and sooner or later you will have to return to reality so why delay the inevitable? When you do return, you will find that the situation is not as tough as perhaps you thought it was.

****

2nd trail:

You are seeking protection against anything which might seem to be exhausting you or tiring you out. It would appear that you are seeking a life of security and physical ease, free from any problem or disturbance.

You don't feel as if you can go it on your own anymore. You don't want to be taken for granted. You need to be recognised as a 'caring person' and it could be that you are searching to establish a relationship, not necessarily with someone new, but with that someone special who could feel the same way as you do.

You are not an argumentative sort of person and 'rather than fight - you'd switch' (an old cigarette ad cliche). But when you try to assert yourself - as sometimes you may try to do - you meet with so much resistance and effrontery that manifests itself so obviously that you become hurt, indignant and resentful. So in order to have peace and quiet you tend to become inhibited. You keep it all to yourself but deep down, you 'feel' and 'hurt' a lot.

Your stress and anxiety are a result of an emotional disappointment. It could well be that the emotional relationship is no longer running smoothly and you have come to the end of your tether. On the one hand you would like to free yourself from this relationship altogether, yet on the other hand, you don't want to lose anything nor risk the uncertainty of throwing away something - something that's precious, something that could be the 'Real Thing'. Perhaps for the first time in your life you really don't know which way to go and it is these contradictory emotions that are causing you the untold stress. You are pretending to the world that you don't care but even this air of pretence is causing you much heartache.

You are moody and depressed at this time but it will pass. All of your hopes and dreams seem to have gone astray and you are fearful of planning further for the future. Disappointment at the non fulfilment of your hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety and you try to escape from this by withdrawing into yourself. But that is not the answer. You have the power to succeed, believe in yourself... all is possible to him who believes.

****